Week 20 – One Shovelful
I’ve gained 25 pounds in the last 6 months. I understand why. Since I originally got in shape, I was up running around with my kids. For the last 10 years I’ve been able to take off and for the most part keep off the 90 pounds I lost after Ben was born. As of this fall, both the boys are in school full-time. This means a lot less running around. I also started school. This means a lot more sitting. I also struggled a lot with this huge life change. A life change I didn’t get to choose.
When I moved to Des Moines with Jeff, that was a choice. When I chose to leave my job when my son was born, that was a choice. I didn’t get to choose for my boys to grow up and start school. Let me clarify, I wouldn’t ever hold my children back from life and all there is to experience, I just want them with me always. I want to see their every moment of learning when you can see understanding light across their faces. I want to play games and sing songs. I got to be the one who taught them how to hold a cup, shape letters on a page, run through a sprinkler, swing, throw snowballs, toss a ball, smell the earthy distinctive scent of leaves in autumn, find treasures in nature. I miss the zoo, science center, library, etc. I cried at story time. I feel so silly about it, but it has been the best life with these guys. I know life with them is far from ending, but it’s very different.
I struggled into this change with some kicking and screaming and some pouting and loneliness. I had a plan. I was also turning 40. This was going to be my year. I made a decision to clean out the stuff of life that was holding me back. I’ve wanted to start a blog for 10 years. I’ve wanted to go back to school in a way that I could get excited about. I’ve wanted to get the piles and stacks of stress inducing stuff out of our basement so we could have some room to spread out a little. Get my health in order. Figure out what thing is going to fulfill the overwhelming desire to do something good and meaningful. On and on. We’ve done most of these things.
I’ve been experiencing a lot of frustration lately. I am missing deadlines for artwork submissions. I have been getting behind on blog posts. I am working constantly for my schoolwork and missing a lot of family time. I still get panicky when we go in the basement. We’ve made huge strides down there and there is still a lot to do. I have gone way off script with diet and exercise. I’ve been embarrassed to go out in public or have photos taken of me. Not because I am so vain, but because I am so embarrassed I have allowed my health to get to this point, which may be a certain kind of vanity in itself. I talked to Jeff about this. We seem to be on the opposite end of the anxiety scale at all times and it was his turn to be my calming influence. Someone told him recently that you chip away at things one shovelful at a time. Stop panicking about the big picture and focus on scooping up one shovelful. This is a very relatable image right now. We’ve been literally shoveling ourselves out of our home on a regular basis and that snowplow always makes a lovely iceberg at the end of the driveway. We are nearing record snowfall. I literally section off the driveway and take on one shovelful at a time so this image works for me. We made this our mantra in the basement. Over the weekend we have really dug in. It’s been an adventure in control, cleaning, persistence, and figuring out what matters. One shovel – one bin or box or stack. Now we are applying it to our health. One shovelful – one mile per day or one goal to a family-run 5k or one month sugar-free. We are working one day at a time, one shovelful at a time, one hurdle – then the next.
